Change and The World Behind

I have spent the past year thinking how tainted I have become, and how much more darkness I shall come to embrace in the future.

The concept of “killing for the sake of justice” gradually became acceptable when before I considered it the ultimate sin, the point of no return. I think to myself, ‘Is this part of growing up? Is innocence just a boon only for children?’

Two weeks ago, they called two Code Blues in the E.R of the hospital I was training in. As one patient’s wife howled for her husband to fight, to keep on living, I wanted to cry with her. I felt for her, but there’s this one nasty thought in the back of my mind. It said, ‘That’s not pain. There’s still hope. I want to see real pain.’

I don’t fear for my sanity, I am perfectly sane. What I fear for, is what my morals would come to as I age. When one by one “childish” dreams and ideals get crushed, where else could I turn?

What else would I deem acceptable in the coming days?